it seems as though things are going pretty well with nursing. the dreaded cracked nipple has healed. the pain that once made my toes curl has gone away. and i am no longer an engorged postpartum crazy woman. although some may argue with that last part.
the early days of orange-y skin and crossed eyes seem so long ago now.
but, here i am…. wanting to stop nursing. for what seems like, in my mind, all the wrong reasons. i think i've made it pretty clear that i don't like it in general, no? i don't like being tied down. i don't like being gone longer than an hour and a half and feeling like i need to rush home. i don't like not being able to intervene when my other crazy children are beating each other with tennis rackets. i don't like nursing bras and nursing pads and lansinoh and leaking milk. i don't like wearing two sports bras when working out and the fact that none of my clothes fit yet cause my chest is so big. i'm trying to lose to weight but am ravenous still, due to nursing so much. and every time i cut calories, it cuts my milk supply which equals a hungry baby girl. and, it also isn't my most favorite thing in the world that i'm quite positive my neighbors have seen me chasing after the boys, with story attached to my boobs, at least hundred times.
i also really thrills me that after i nurse her a full feeding first thing in the morning, she won't nap, but is instead, hungry again two hours later. which is when i feed her a bottle of formula. and it satisfies. both of us. and then the rest of the day is a crapshoot for naps and feedings and any kind of schedule seems to be lost.
i tell women all the time to stop nursing if they feel in their hearts they need to. if they feel that they will be a better mom for doing so. if they feel like it's too much. if they like they need to do it, for whatever reason it may be, to just do it. just stop. baby will be a-okay and you will be even better, most likely.
so why is it so hard to tell myself the same thing?
it's the selfishness i feel, i think. if you go back and read that paragraph up there you will notice a lot of i. i want and i need and i do are things that don't happen too much when you're a stay at home mom of three kids 4 and under, with a husband working long hours every day to support your family. most days i'm lucky if my desire to take a shower is fulfilled. so when i want to rob my child of their primary food source (dramatic, i know) it stings a bit. and that's why i feel guilty pursuing the road to weaning.
maybe it's because things were so awful with brody… latching issues, pain, postpartum blues… for so long and i still stuck with it for seven months that i feel like it would be a cop out to stop when things are going pretty well at three and a half months? it's that me versus myself mom guilt again folks. there it is.
and as i type this i am laughing to myself… cause i have no conclusion to this little predicament i am in. i am just living it. every morning i say to caleb, i am totally going to stop nursing today! and strike a wonder woman-esque pose. and then he walks in the door from work at night, and there i am, on the couch with lemon water in hand and baby attached to my breast. hi, honey! welcome home.