Sunday, May 31


...continued from here

It feels like a lifetime has passed since those never ending days of waiting. We had the fetal MRI, my first MRI ever. The Lord gave me the greatest blessings along this little journey, reminders that He sees and hears me. In midst of feeling scared and worrying and a bit claustrophobic was the kindest man running the MRI that looked just like Matthew Broderick. Matthew, my forever favorite Ferris (#fff) and married to my ultimate girl crush, SJP. It's the little things.

I had mildly begged the doctor to read me to the results of the MRI after finishing it, but completely understood that the brain was the itty bitty thing on a 23 week gestation baby and he had to thoroughly study all the images before sending the results to Maternal Fetal Medicine.

The next week was filled with lots of tossing and turning. Trying to keep this off my mind, but on my mind in the right ways. Trying my hardest to educate myself and give it all over to the Lord. It's the unknown that is the worst... the waiting. Even if it's devastating, even if it's heartbreaking, just tell me. I need to know. Did I mention the Lord was teaching me patience? He still is.

I connected with some amazing women during this time. Women who have walked this road, similar roads, women who I admire who lingered in that unknown for nine months, while I struggled to linger there for nine days. I marveled at technology and blood work and how much I didn't know about the brain. I learned so much about these precious children with agenesis of the corpus callosum. The condition is vast in what it can look like. From mild processing problems to what some doctors would call being a vegetable.

When the doctor called to read me the results I was so prepared to hear I'm sorry but this intricate  part of your little baby's brain is absent. It seemed there was no other answer... that it was the slimmest chance in the world this could be present. I swallowed hard and listened to the doctor tell me that the corpus callosum was present. That the baby's brain looked just as it should at 23 weeks. I choked back tears and then let it all go.

I sobbed. I called Caleb and could barely get the words out.

We will never really know, on this side of glory, if this was absent and the Lord placed it there on our little miracle of a baby. We will never really know if the doctor and technician just really couldn't find it after that long, long ultrasound. But what I do know is that God hears our prayers. I was right where I was supposed to be, results aside, on my knees before Him.