Tonight I am having A NIGHT. You know one of those nights when you are feeling all the feelings.
I don't know exactly what to do with these ones. I keep feeling them, and sort of push them down, or away, or suppress them. Why suppress them? I don't know the real answer to that, but I know that I am a living a happy, little, thankful, and beautiful life. And sometimes these stirrings will push me out of my comfort zone, to things new and different. I know that God doesn't call me to sure of these emotions, but that He calls me to be faithful, and that He calls me to be obedient.
I think sometimes I'm afraid to let myself feel the way I do. It's easy to fight back emotions and say NO! when the Lord is changing, and working in, our hearts. It's achy. It's bittersweet. It's wonderful.
I've had this stirring in my heart for quite some time. I would say it started to seep in in the new year. I made the decision that I wanted to do some of things I've always wanted to do, to become more of the person who I want to be this year, and with that, I have learned and accomplished so many of those things that the Lord has placed as desires on my heart. It takes Him pushing me to bravely follow Him to follow through on these things. I think that in doing them, and seeing them come to fruition, has really been the foreground for the way I feel tonight.
I don't ever want to be held back by the fear of the unknown or the worry that this might be the wrong step for me. I have to constantly remind myself, when I come to gray areas in my life, that I don't always have to wait for a moment of God shouting to me that this is His perfect will for my life. Sometimes I have to just be living in His will, saying yes, and taking that leap of faith.
I ran into an old friend a couple days ago. All of these emotions I have been feeling for something new, something changed, and something different were confirmed that day. I felt like I was halfway between who I am and who I want to be. And that I might not have been the same person that I was when I really knew them.
The hardest part to all of this is that I don't know what exactly the Lord is trying to tell me. I just know it's real and I feel it and I'm gonna say yes.