Motherhood has different phases for me, and I'm guessing for you too. There's waves of goodness, moments of beauty, long nights with sometimes longer days, and then times that smack me right across the face when I realize that I have no idea what I'm doing.
I mean, sure, I know what to do. I know what my children need and how to meet those those basic needs. But, at the the same time, something will happen, or a conversation will take place, and it will knock me right over. I'll be crying in the grocery store because I have no idea how to handle a child that will not stop failing and screaming, as my baby runs down the other aisle, and everyone looks on at that crazy mom that attempted to grocery shop with all three children (me). Or my five going on thirty-five son will ask me questions that I don't know how to answer myself and I'll wonder how in the world he can think of such heartbreaking things already. Not yet, I'll whisper, not yet. I just want him to hold onto his precious innocence for a little while longer.
These are the moments that I am crying out to Jesus and saying, Lord! What am I doing? How do I raise these children well? I know it was no mistake when you chose me for them, and them for me, but where do I go from here?
It's overwhelming when I really think about the role I have been given. To be mom to these three, sweet souls. To be able to shape, and mold them, and be such a huge part of who they will one day become. To love them with a love I hadn't known I had, or felt before, a love so fierce and so strong that it scares me.
I think a lot of times, as moms, we feel like just moms and we're seeking adventure elsewhere. I am reminded tonight that THIS, right here, right now, is my adventure. There isn't anything more wild than the role of being a mother. The way it pushes me, bends me, and, inevitably, breaks me. It's the most beautiful, bittersweet, life changing experience that I'll find no where else.
So often, in those times of deep need, the Lord is reminding me that I can't do this thing alone. The moments where I break, and turn it all over to Him, are the moments where I ask myself why I ever thought I could? When everything's going good: I need Jesus. When everything's gone crazy: I need Jesus. And when I am reminded that I have no idea what in the world I am doing: I need Jesus.
I'm thankful, every day, for the grace that my Jesus, and my children, give me. I'll never figure this motherhood thing out entirely but I'm forever grateful to be doing it.