Tuesday, June 5

the bach: part 3

welp, this episode starts out with 90% of these guys finally getting what they wished for when signing up for the bachelorette. they are now traveling the world. boom. that is why they go on the bachelorette you know. world travels and publicity.

alejandro, you're right. where have you been dude? get yourself out there! you and long haired john.

um. "the ring" that doug and emily walked through in bermuda was pretty much the same thing as the box joe & emily threw their wishes in at the hotel two weeks ago. and we all know how that date ended.

doug… i don't like you. i'm sorry. i just don't know what is off with you, or if it's just everything about you. but you are so weird to me. could you stop saying how great of a dad you are? and how your girlfriend wanted you to wash her car more? you are lame. you acting like you are perfect is making you less and less perfect in my mind. and we all know that my mind is what matters here. he says, "i haven't kissed a girl in…" and i am expecting him to say since him and his wife divorced or something. and he, instead, says, "months". months?

ryan…shaved yo face?

i love how all these guys know exactly what the two on one date is and they don't want it. they are totally hosts of bachelor & bachelorette viewing parties at their houses.

kalon's lips are always, always glossier than mine.

arie. you're funny. your shrek-like voice imitation of doug made me laugh.

emily "hates watching guys compete." funny to sign up to be the bachelorette then, em.

and red team's out of the sailboat race. i thought their boat was going to flip over… now that would have been funny stuff.

sean, i don't think you would have given your right leg to go on that date… that's a little extreme. watch your words or else you will be off my top three. and you don't wanna do that.

charlie, how is going home tonight after not winning the sail boat race the very last thing in the world you expected? it was a 50/50 chance. control yourself.

ryan… why would you say trophy wife? why do you speak? why? why? why?

this white fluffy blanket that keeps falling off arie is extremely awkward. abc, supply some bigger blankets if you want two people to wrap themselves in it.

emily is letting arie know that he will be around for a while. obvi.

and what do ya know? jeF and emily are now wrapped in that same blanket.

jeF keeps saying like. like. like. like. like. and like some more. and then, i like, hurt my finger. his suave hair part is being affected by the wind. in a bad way. jeF why did you not kiss her in that perfect moment?! get your game face on!

ryan. i don't even know what to say about him. oh wait, yes i do. i would smack him right across the face when he was saying we would make some pretty kids over and over again while she asked what would happen if she was just chasing kids around and not going to the gym. he only likes your bod, em. ryan what are you even talking about? all the "girls who are watching emily on tv" are rooting for arie and hoping that you get kicked off. get over the "depth" and get over yourself.

arie has some gray hairs.

wolf says "two" of his friends have kids. only two. count it.

oh em gee. the two person date is so awkward. and the dripping water. drip. drip. drip. emily, you don't like either wolf or nate, so just send them both home. nate is crying about his brother and his friends. nate! you are such a sentimental little guy. you should be the next bachelor… in a couple years, maybe.

ryan is so sure that he is a good catch. wait.. what? you want to be the bachelor? you want to use the position you are in to become the bachelor? go whiten your teeth some more and GET OFF THE SHOW. abc must pay people to fill this position on each bachelor, right? please tell me that is true because this guy is killing me.

can that guy with the ponytail please tell emily that ryan said that so he can go home? puhlease?

emily's ponytail = fake.

i know what you are all thinking about jeF's socks. but seriously my husband is a cali boy and wears his socks up high like that. not with dress shorts, of course. cause he doesn't wear dress shorts. but  DC socks with cameo shorts… yes.

who i NEED to go home tonight:

a) doug
b) ryan
c) alejandro
d) michael
e) travis
f) charlie

bye now. buh bye now, fellas.

could emily just say that she knows that she doesn't want to be with oh, six or so, of these guys so she needs to kick them all off tonight? i realize that would totally screw up the schedule of shows but then she could get them off, and spend more time with the guys she's actually into, and maybe actually… ya know… get to know them before the engagement? there's an idea.

i sort of feel sorry for michael who's crying and never been in love before.

charlie's crying too. everyone's crying around these parts.

i love the preview of next week. sean and jeF's dates! get it.

who do you think it is that said ricky is baggage in next week's episode? i'm like 99% sure it was kalon by his voice.

does that make me a physco bachelorette viewer? whatevs, i'll claim it.


  1. so funny with Doug and the long dramatic pause for him to just say 'months'! he rubs me the wrong way too.

    kalons lips...glossiest ever.

  2. you are cracking me up. i think i could have written the exact same thing after last night....that blanket was so weird to me! of course, i went online and looked up spoilers....so now it isn't sooo dramatic at the "most dramatic rose ceremony in bachelorette history."

    1. did you find the winner? i can only find the top three… which i think are kinda obvious as of right now ;)

    2. no, just top three....i was looking for the winner..i found somewhere who said the winner was, but don't want to put it on here and spoil it for everyone!

  3. Okay...I can't decide what I love more. The train wreck that is the Bachelorette, or your recaps. I think I'll skip the show and just read your updates...way funnier and exactly what I'm thinking the entire time I'm watching. I will admit, I died laughing when Doug is talking about when he last kissed a girl and then after a long dramatic pause..."months." Months? Are we talking two? Three? Oh, and the whole, "If Emily wants a kiss from me, she'll ask for one..." Very arrogant. Why doesn't he be a gentleman and ask to kiss her? Is he wanting her to beg for it? I'm going to go out on a limb and say I think she's going to pick Arie, but unfortunately I don't think it will be a soul-mate deal. I just haven't seen a real standout guy in the bunch.

    1. seriously. doug needs to the boot. and i totally agree about arie, sad but true!

  4. I definitely enjoy reading this more than watching the actual show.

    p.s I'm glad there's a recognition of cali boy socks...my hubs always wears his socks up high no matter what!

  5. I couldn't get over Kalon's chin! I haven't noticed how butt-like it is until last nite!
    Doug is a goob. Obviously he is the perfect man.. you know having a son and not married and hasn't kissed a girl in "months". I also thought it was very immature how he handled Chris, and Arie's teasing when he claims to be so!
    Ryan..... you're mental.
    I like Sean and Jef is growing on me.... they both seem like the most genuine.

  6. can we puh-lease talk about what in the world Jef was wearing last night? ...the knee highs! what the what!

    my top four: sean, arie, chris, and jef. based purely on who i think she likes.

    there is something really fishy about doug to me...i mean really all his "faults" were ridiculous. i mean really doug...get real!

    i could not get over charlie crying in the van on the way back to the hotel...suck it up, man!

    next week, i am super psyched for next week...Sean is by far my favorite. and Jef, but seriously what was he wearing?!?!?!?

  7. jef socks cracked me up and i love that you said it's a cali (yay cali) thing to do. in our house we call them awesome socks. ha! but with dress shorts no no no!

    i am over ryan. at first i thought that outwardly he was cute but no he's not even that anymore. kick him to the curb NOW emily.

    theres something about dougs eyes that weirds me out they look empty or hollow i can't quite put my finger on it, but he needs to go home too.

  8. your post about this show crack me up. love it! I really do like Arie, I think he would probably be the closest to her type of guy. Although I really am pulling for Sean, he seems like a keeper. I am a fan of Jeffs, but they don't seem to be on the same page in different areas. Ryan has got to go, I was hoping as the ponytail guy left he would whisper to Emily what Ryan said to him before leaving. But that didn't happen, fail. I think Ryan might be the one packing next week, fingers crossed :)

  9. Oh, Kalon really needs to go too. He should have been gone last week. :)

  10. 1st of all, how did Kalon make it ANOTHER week??
    2nd, Ryan be gone. Puhlease!!
    3rd, if you are a psycho bachelorette viewer then count me in too because my sister and I record it and start watching about an hour in so that we can pause throughout the show and analyze and compare our thoughts. We also paused and rewinded the part at the end 3 or 4 times to try and guess who's voice it was that said ricky was baggage.

  11. I actually laughed out loud reading this, since I agree with uh everything. I was kinda mad ponytail man left since I wanted to him to tell Emily the stuff Ryan said. But moving on, Ryan be gone, and Kalon get your glossy lips out too! I would just like some more Sean and Jef and Arie screen time please

  12. you are so funny!

    i love how every guys says that "no other guy has connection with her like i do.!" duh seriously are they for real?

    ryan, i dislike him even more each day.

    sean, love him glad he gets a date next week.

    one F Jef, so awkward already. I like him, but he should really kiss her already.

    doug, you're working me last nerve!

  13. Hahaha! I could not help but laugh out loud at this post! It was great. It was everything I was thinking while watching the show! Man...I wish I had friends like you to watch this show with.

  14. I couldn't help but laugh out loud while reading this post. I loved it! It was actually everything I was thinking while watching it. I just wish I had more friends like you who are so in to it! I can't wait to read your next Bach posts :)

  15. Oh my goodness Ryan needs to go! I don't understand why she kept him around after the things she said about him before the rose ceremony! Makes no sense. Something does seem a bit off to me about Doug. Also, Michael broke my heart. I felt so bad for him and we didn't even really get to know him much. As for who calls Riki baggage... I rewatched the scenes and there were two guys they never showed.... John (wolf) and travis (is that his name?) So, I am thinking it is one of them.

  16. oh my stars you are HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need ryan to stay because he is so funny. emily will see through him, but he's quite amusing. and i think he's the baggage commenter. jeF is a boy, not a man, but she likes that he's doing the whole hard to get thing. was chris the tattletale guy? DISLIKE him - ick. travis looks like the rascal flatts guy. not really a fan. i SO look forward to your summaries and commentaries :)

  17. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOVE THIS! I died. You are funnyyyyy

  18. I think it's gonna be either Travis or John (aka Wolf), but most likely Wolf-ey.

  19. I think it's either Travis or John (aka Wolf), but probably Wolf-ey.

  20. I am DYING over your recap. Hilarious and I agree with all of it. I liked Doug the first couple weeks, but yeah......he needs to go. Arie and Jef are my top picks. So cute and both would be great with her. And yes, JeF kiss her already. Ryan is a slimy douche and I'm shocked he's still there. And his hair bugs me big time.

    I def think its Kalon who calls Ricki baggage. He's so gross and his lips are nasty. Ok, enough from me.

    Love you and hope you're doing well!!

  21. I am so with you. I am 100% Sean, Jef, then Arie. Read junk about Arie on Reality Stever (yes, yes, I am that bad) that I don't like at all! With Joy, Carey :-)