Tuesday, June 19

the bach: back in the saddle.

i missed the bach last night cause my bestie and i were getting award winning pedicures at a new nail salon. I'M KIDDING. it was 16 year old boys with backwards baseball caps and adidas shorts who cut our skin and then proceeded to massage our necks. i can't even. i mean… i just can't. i'll just stop and give them some grace cause i cannot fathom what happened in my life last night.

so there's that.

and here i am watching the bach at nap time…



travis, why are you still here?

doug looks so uninterested in emily arriving at the house. and i am so uninterested in doug.

ryan looks tanner and tanner and arie looks grayer and grayer.

emily is still congested.

if i could guess who wins right now i am going to guess sean. and i just typed "scott" when i meant to type sean. that's how impressed i am with him.

travis' date: what do you have in common besides being southern? do you have fake teeth you are hiding from us, trav?

none of these guys could have ever asked for a better date than the one they are on.

OH MY GOODNESS with the balancing stone. could we find one more traditional lucky in love stone/statue/wishing well in a foreign country? stop it with them. stop, abc. none of you are lucky in love cause you are all on the bachelorette.

and cue the dancing again. emily has to have a man who dances. number one on her list is: obey me. number two is: dance with me on television.

what is a ten on the scale of 8? i don't get that. is that just me?

everything doug says makes me throw up a little in my mouth. i just don't get him or anything he does. why doug? and why ryan? while i'm at it.

ryan you know how to go get the girl? why are you on this show? cause you haven't gotten the girl yet, right? right.

trav gives a hug to emily. and i can't get the picture of him being a youth pastor out of my mind. i like that emily is upfront and honest about no romance with travis. that is the truth. "bye honey" she says. bahahaha.

jeF why are you so astonished that they are taking travis' bag. NO DUDE?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!

and then travis chucks the umbrella in the rain storm. buh bye.

i wonder if emily held both jeF's hand and chris' hand through the movie. that would be awkward. and i hate that they are watching this cartoon movie for their date almost as much as i hated the muppets being on the show.

jeF is FREEZING while chris is shooting the arrow. he is straight up shivering.

i love chris' go-get-em attitude. he is cracking me up. but i hate how everyone is hugging after their log toss.

sean breaks the log. NBD.

chris continues to lose every battle and nonchalantly shrugs it off. chris feels brave, is brave. brave, brave, brave. could he say brave one more time?

arie goes in for the kill on their walk. maybe i take back that sean is going win? arie? gimme an a! gimme an r! gimme an i! gimme an e! what's that spell!? ARIE! 

ryan keeps things fresh and new. at least his hair cut and white v-neck.

jeF. farmer flannel. jeF cannot stop saying FEEL. and LIKE. and he loves novel feelings. OHMILAWD. the FEEL. the LIKE. feel like. like feel.

as much as i am on team jeF… it does look a little bit like emily is kissing a boy… who is much, much younger than her.

did he just say that he is freakin' crazy about her? jeF is the type of guy that will slap the word freakin' in front of every other word he says.

i like that arie is squinty eyed starring at her giving the rose to chris. i would toats do that.

jeF, arie, and chris all have their hoods up. chillin. straight up.

and i am so embarrassed for ryan and the way he talks.

is oystering really a word? i guess so cause no red line is coming up here in blogger drafts.

is ryan wearing sweatpants on their date?

emily keeps making a scrunched up duck face at him.

stop winking ryan. stop. you are such a skeeve ball. BYE. finally.

hey doug, you did not have to come on the bachelorette. it was a choice for you to travel the world with this group of dudes all fighting for em's love. no one held a gun to your head. and no one is forcing you to stay. if you need to go home then go home. which i wish you did tonight.

it's a wrap.

37 comments:

  1. Bahaha hilarious observations, I picked up on the exact same things. So happy to say adios to Ryan, he was a toolbox.. and that tank, wtf? Love your recaps :)

    xo Shane

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  2. hilarious. my husband (b/c he sits through this with me and pretends to not be watching but really is..) insists that she is all about jef. i just don't know but i do know that i am SO glad ryan is gone...and i'm pretty sure he spit out that little blurb about hoping he's not edited to look like an arrogant ass b/c he realized he did act like one and lost.

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  3. Did you see the total girl tank top Ryan was wearing? And I was wow-ed at the kiss from Arie!

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  4. holy... these boys are a bunch of crybabies!!!
    every guy that gets the boot just whines and cries!
    what the heck?!
    aren't they supposed to be men?
    they don't even really know her.
    i mean, c'mon... they're just bummed out b/c they just 'dated' the hottest girl that they'll ever date in their entire life.
    they're just upset b/c she won't be THEIR trophy wife.
    she is very pretty, super nice and polite.
    but really not that charismatic.
    i think that's why she'd be a good match for scott... er, sean, i mean.
    ha ha ha!
    i do the SAME thing!!!!
    and arie.... i'm sorry.
    he's gross.
    his kisses are always so slobbery and icky.
    i can't even watch him with her.
    he just wants to swallow her up.
    ewwwwwww!
    jeF... like a little bro.
    sorry.
    just gotta tell it like it is.

    ryan... douchebag!!!!!
    what a loser.
    with the list?!
    oh my!
    mark my words... he WILL be back on another episode.
    to see if they still have it!
    he'll come back like all those pathetic girls always come back on the bachelor.
    ok... last comment...
    doug? arms of steel maybe?
    sorry... BORING! he may be super nice but if you're not into him... SEND HIM HOME!!!!
    sheesh!
    she could be down to 2-3 guys and just date those for a few weeks.
    i think that'd be easier....

    BOOM!
    OUT!

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    Replies
    1. bahahah i am dying over your arie comments.

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  5. hahahahahahahahaha i am sitting here LAUGHING for real at this post!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i did see your pedi friend's boo-boo toe - ow! :(
    SOOO sad my Ryan is gone...why do i love the hot egotistical guys? LOL
    totally loved your commentary...can't wait to watch the finale with you. i think i'll make a cheesy dip to go with all the cheesy lines on our silly show :)
    here's my take:
    doug - needs a self esteem course
    arie - yeah, like him. seems like a good match with Emily
    sean - yeah, really like him, but Emily will ruin him.
    jef - says like way too much, but he's growing on me. emily will get to be the boss of him.
    chris - DETEST! sooooooo awkward. can't listen to him speak.
    wolf john dude - still don't know much about him, actually had to stop and think for a minute to remember his name.
    I miss Ryan, hahahaha!

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    Replies
    1. okay wait. we really are watching the bach finale together and amanda is coming too. i am forcing her, whether she likes it or not. what is the date?! i hope i'm not on vacation!!

      ryan is so not hot. creeptastic.

      please make a cheese dip.

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    2. YES!!!! agreed!
      chris is SO awkward!
      like he has to think hard before he says anything.
      so unnatural.
      painful to watch.

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  6. I am flat out crying y'all. I did my recap today too. I was all team Travis until today I was reading more stuff about him...yea, glad he is gone. @Shane you notice the tank top too. What the heck was that thing?? I swear I'd think he was a total tool if I just didn't find him so hysterical in a totally cheesy over the top way.

    Jef- is he secretly 13?
    Arie- I just can't! He reminds me of the droopy dog.
    Chris- bless his poor bruised man pride!
    Doug- say it with me UGLY crier
    Sean- Ok I am team Sean all the way, but I agree I would rather see him with a "real" girl than with Emily.

    PS. Do we think Ryan will end up on Bachelor Pad?

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    Replies
    1. wait what did you read about trav???

      THE TANK TOP. that is all.

      hahahah i am dying over your arie comment. he is totally a droopy dog but i do like him.

      i can't bring myself to watch bach pad. i have never seen it. but i imagine it is too much for me to handle.

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  7. I feel like the turquoise shoes should have been addressed.

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    Replies
    1. you make me laugh out loud. thank you. i agree. the shoes did not work, but ryan thougth they did. i'm actually embarressed to admit i watch the show, but something has to keep me awake at those two o'clock feedings:)

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    2. they toats should have been. but i can only handle talking about ryan for .2 seconds.

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  8. arie looks grayer and grayer. <--- why is he gray? i don't get it! he's not THAT old!

    if i could guess who wins right now i am going to guess sean. <--- nooo, i want arie to win!

    none of these guys could have ever asked for a better date than the one they are on. <--- haha, soooo true.

    OH MY GOODNESS with the balancing stone. could we find one more traditional lucky in love stone/statue/wishing well in a foreign country? stop it with them. stop, abc. none of you are lucky in love cause you are all on the bachelorette. <--- also so true. it's like the seek out cities that have these.

    what is a ten on the scale of 8? <--- maybe a mississippi thing?

    and then travis chucks the umbrella in the rain storm. <--- SO dramatic.

    jeF is FREEZING while chris is shooting the arrow. he is straight up shivering. <--- probably because he weighs 83 lbs.

    chris continues to lose every battle and nonchalantly shrugs it off. chris feels brave, is brave. brave, brave, brave. could he say brave one more time? <--- you know abc promised they'd pimp that movie out at least 24 times per minute!

    as much as i am on team jeF… it does look a little bit like emily is kissing a boy… who is much, much younger than her. <--- yeah....ew.

    and i am so embarrassed for ryan and the way he talks. <--- best line of your post.

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  9. You r crazy! LOL! I don't watch this show...but you know what caught my eye? The bow and arrow!!!! I so want to learn how to shoot one!

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  10. You r crazy! LOL! I don't watch this show...but you know what caught my eye? The bow and arrow!!!! I so want to learn how to shoot one!

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    Replies
    1. mare!! you are missing out my friend!

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    2. well, perhaps. but i don't think so ;)

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  11. i can't figure out for the life of me why she kept doug and john.

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    Replies
    1. because john whipped out the dang funeral cards. how can you send someone home after that?

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  12. BAHAHA I loved this. I love Jef, but I don't think he's right for her AT ALL. Poor guy is gonna get his heart WAY broken. I'm team Arie.

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  13. i was on team Arie (even though he does kiss her like he wants to hannibal lechter her face off) BUT i dont like how SURE he is about her judge of character. Too confident & now after next weeks preview..hmmm...
    Chris- i think his face kind of looks like that photo app where you can distort your face. sorry. i know, not nice.
    Trav- was a little feminine.
    Doug- No, just no.
    John (A.K.A wolf) why wolf? Since u cried you get to stay? Why?
    JeF- still like his cute little self..don't like how many times he says LIKE and not sure he's man enough.
    Ryan- Stalker material. When she booted him, he had a creepy look in his eyes with his fancy shaved face...scared me.
    Sean- Big Man throw log. Team Sean.

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  14. do you think she gives arie the boot after she finds out he dated producer cassie? i'm team arie. so i don't think it should matter. it's tv, emily. get over it. people date other people in real life and sometimes you know those ex people. and you get over it. but i like jeF. he's all like "i'm young and hip and you can like totally be like my sugar momma". why do people like sean? sean is boring. i forget sean is even on the show. and john. wolf. john. i forget about him too.

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  15. wow... your pedicure experience sounds...interesting.

    all i know is that i love reading your bachelorette recaps! they are so entertaining!

    and i agree...doug makes me sick to my stomach too. that dude is just w-e-i-r-d!

    what ryan tells himself in the morning everyday - give me a break. that guy is a joke!

    and the guys with all their hoods on hilarious!

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  16. Right now I am team Sean all the way. But I like Arie and Jeff, so for once if she doesn't pick my favorite I won't be extremely disappointed. I feel like all six of the remaining guys are decent people. They seem to get a long with each other which really says a lot.

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  17. I can't believe I missed this post! Your bach recaps are the highlight of my week! Is it just me or does JeF look like he is getting younger and younger on every episode? I think he's sipping on some age defying youth serum. And WHAT was Ryan wearing?! Was it a tank or a woman's halter top? I suppose he has the confidence to pull off either.

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  18. Ahhh couldn't take one more second of ego-maniac Ryan who had the worst Joel Osteen theology I've ever heard!! For petes sake he's so used to manipulating women that he wouldn't even let her break up with him- he tried twice to talk her out of it. Way to stand your ground woman!

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  19. Oh my goodness I couldn't take one more second of ego-maniac Ryan who had the worst Joel Osteen- God helps those who help themselves- type theology. Gag. The guy is such a manipulator that he won't even let Emily break up with him without trying to talk her out of it twice and twist things to make her even more confused! Bu-bye! And yes I agree- it seems like Aries lips especially are getting paler and paler....

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  20. I agree that Jef is probably a little young for her, but I think he's just so darn cute I hope he finds love one way or another.

    I love your commentary :) Very funny.

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  21. how did you not mention the tank top?!?

    i have some intel on the arie situation.

    still team jeF. forevah.

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  22. also, you should maybe explain why underage boys are doing pedicures?

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  23. gosh I love your recaps. You seriously sum up every thought that crosses my mind while watching the show each week. EVERY thought. my favorite being "what is a 10 on a scale of 1-8"???. Thank you for making night :o)

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