Monday, May 28

the bach: part 2

i mean… since you guys had so much to say about it last time

the bach starts out this week with emily's mom bringing her breakfast in bed. um mom… can you do that for me, too? thanks.

chris..i'm just not feeling ya buddy. i also feel like he is 35, not 25. i am older than him which toats creeps me out. someone get a background check on this guy cause i think he's lying about his age.

and emily, stop telling him he's so cute… way to give the guy a big head. my first i cant believe im watching this show moment is: climbing up the restaurant wall to dinner. 
second moment: "she looks unbelievable in a harness." stop, chris. just stop.

the lightning.. seriously with the lightning bolts, abc.
drink wine in your harnesses, y'all. and chris, keep talking about how much you want to kiss her.

would you stop already with the telling him he's cute? dontcha know any dating dos and don'ts?!

wait a second… didn't we dance in front of country music singers who i had no who they were last week? repeat date alert. repeat date alert. 

annnnd everyone joins in the on the awkward dancing making it even more awkward. 

ryan is a little much for me. a little too confident. a little too styled. a little too everything. he leaves the kids and goes to get his two minute time with emily which he totally fails at. the comment about gaining weight after they get married. BUH BYE. who doesn't gain weight after they get married? i would like to meet that person. you get crossed off the list tonight, ry guy. CROSSED.OFF. 

i cannot even look at that group of men walking over to her friends without cringing and feeling embaressed for them. it seriously looks like a bunch of 12 year olds. 

stevie… keep break dancing buddy. 
HELP ME. with the dancing. the bachelorette has become dancing with the stars… err… the friends. 

wendy wants to date sean. she does not want emily to date him. she wants to date him herself. and she sits on his back as he does push ups. wendy! control yourself! 

men: please don't pretend you LOVE the group of screaming eight year olds coming at you. you do not love that. you are lying and putting on a show. cause this is a show. about a lady with a daughter. what? 

sean… i like you. you are my number 2, jeF is still number one. obvi.

jef would go down the slide himself, whether the kids were there or not. that's why he's cool. my husband is a skateboarder. maybe that's why the one f holds a special place in my heart?

did kalon just ask arie if he could drive a stick shift? race car driver, dude. race car driver. 

doug and tony you seem like nice guys but i just don't see a future with emily in your future. i'm sorry.

tony, this is what i want to say to you. love your vulnerability of missing your little dude. i want you to go home to him because you are on the bachelorette right now. it is a joke. i feel like emily is just coaching you through this and there is no emotional or romantic or any kind of connection. oh good, emily just admitted that to you. thanks, em. 

and my second runner up gets the rose. way to show em, sean! 

um. dollywood. ya, that's all.

i thought the happiest place on earth was that hotel you went to last week? 

i like arie. now i am confused over my top three. jeF, arie, sean. one, two, three. three, two, one. i just don't know. 

why does country music run this show? why are people dancing in front of country musicians AGAIN?!

emily likes busting out babies like i do. i like an upfront woman. she's all uh. if you marry me i want to be pregnant five of the next seven years. i told caleb i wanted to have six children while we were dating. he still married me. 

arie. i like that you are honest. i'm sorry you had a date in dollywood but i am happy you got a rose. and a little makeout sesh on the carousel never hurt anyone. 

KALON!!!! i love it when you talk but i wish you would let me finish. OH EM GEE. 

the egg man reminds me of a trendy youth pastor. i'm sorry but i can't help but think that. maybe it's his voice? i don't even know his name. 

em. you tell bon jovi! it is not a compromise. amen. TELL HIM. 

(sidenote: i think i have used more caps in this post than in any other blog post i have ever written. i am heated over the bach, apparently.) 

what ever happened to charlie? 

i love that arie goes in for the kiss right before the rose ceremony. get it. 

why couldn't you see yourself ever competing against a guy like arie, ryan? because he doesn't style his hair like yours? i'm confused. go home now.

sean, love that you said ricky will be your daughter. 

another kiss before the rose ceremony for one of my guys! (refresher!: my guys are arie, sean & jeF) i know how to pick em, ladies. i know how to pick 'em. 

i really, really wish that more than one guy was going home from this group.
a) ryan
b) stevie
c) kalon

michael with the long hair - i forgot you were on this show. 

why did ryan get a rose?!?!? 
why did kalon get a rose?!?!? 
why why why.

why do people even get roses?

bye stevie. 

commentary, please, y'all. 

…until next time. 


  1. jeF is one of my faves too. but even though he's one of my faves i don't think i want him with emily. i want him with like some cool girl who surfs (or skates) and is into bon iver, not dolly parton. you know what i'm sayin? they're so different.

    love the commentary. duh.

    1. jeF needs to be on Portlandia, not the Bachelorette! He's great...just not a southern gentleman kinda great.

  2. Omigosh, that comment about 'let me finish'! Seriously?! Was he nuts?

  3. another great recap. love it. Let me just say that jeF is growing on me. not in my top three yet but he is growing on me...

  4. I love your comment about the guy with the long hair because I said that exact thing when they showed him at the rose ceremony.....where did he come from? and the guy from brazil had me all sorts of angry at him!

    1. i know seriously who even is he? i have not even heard the guy's voice.

    2. he was just trying to "compromise"...i mean, really. his english must suck still.

  5. Is it Ryan that said that crap about getting fat?


    What an idiot.

    Plus he'll probably be the one to get fat anyway.


  6. Team Arie and Sean. Done!

    I was just waiting for one of those kids to start crying on the play ground bc they didnt want to play with the guys. Damn those well behaved kids.

    1. i love how you say "done!" i say that all.the.time :)

  7. Why is Kalon's smacker region always so lubed up? Its not even just the lips, its like his lips plus an additional 1/2 inch! Why? Its disgusting! I feel like I want to punch him in his smug little face, but my fist would probably just slide right off. I'm really not a violent person, but come on - he's awful!

    1. I agree.... The lips look like Joan Rivers!

    2. baahahahahah i cannot even comment on this more than that. dying.

    3. I am almost peeing myself at this comment!
      Your fist sliding off?
      Oh jeez... So true.
      He's grody

  8. Still team Jef... though I'm starting to think he's not for Emily.
    Sean is my #2... but stop saying "28 years..."
    Doug is #3... yet they have no idea how hard it will be blending 4 lives.

    In addition to Arie, I'm thinking those are her top 4, and creepy Ryan and Kalon have accepted drama roses from ABC, not Emily.

    Cause really with the fat and shut up comments? Makes Gypsy King not seem all that bad.

    PS- I'm sorry, Tony, you had more crying scenes that we usually see on the BACHELOR (25 women, not men), most likely cause you knew you don't stand a chance next to my top 3.

    1. i agree! love jeF but i don't think him and em are a match made in reality tv….

  9. I am becoming weary of the dancing in front of Country music singers. And poor Arie... I thought the Dolly thing was a little awkward.
    I think I like Sean... Arie ... and Charlie, but it seems that he's really pulled back. I like that he's 32 and seems more mature than the other dudes.
    jeF is a little too Ducky from Pretty in Pink for Emily.. he needs a cooler chick.
    Ryan is WAY too worried about appearances both his and his wife's. I second his Buh BYe!
    Why do I even watch this show.... (sigh)

    1. i agree. arie was like um. dolly who?!

      jeF does need a cooler chick. totally.

  10. First of all I love your recaps, I think I had some of the same thoughts run through my head while watching it last night.
    Your top 3 are perfect because they are also my top 3, I am currently trying to figure out how I can get their phone numbers when at least 2 of them get kicked off ;) ha ha jk......but seriously.
    Also cant believe Chris is the same age as me, I'm with you on the backround check!
    Kalon, why is he still here??
    Not gonna lie, was pretty happy when stevie was kicked off, I couldnt figure out how he had made it this far anyway.
    I look forward to your recap next week!!

  11. You echoed all of me and my friends' thoughts last night. For reals.

    When they showed JeF go down the slide, I was like- YES. That's a man who plays with kids well.

    I like that he doesn't care what others think, that he doesn't need to be jacked in the muscle department (really some of you guys?).

    But Sean and his faith comment and being from the south-- I think he's going to win. Him or Arie 'cuz Emily just likes him. (you can see right through her when she likes a guy!)

  12. laughing. out. loud.

    love you. and I already read the spoilers so I won't comment.

  13. o. m. goodness. toats LOVE how em's bestie crushes on sean. i mean take your shirt off and let me sit on your bare back while you do push ups? if she is married i wonder how the hubby liked that one? prolly not so much. although.. im pretty sure no one can blame her.

    kalon had to stay because let's face it... we need drama and time. she cant say ok i know who my top 4 are right off the bat.... even tho i am sure we can all figure out without the spoilers who they are gonna be.

    I love what you said about one f. he would slide or swing even w.o the cameras. love him but just dont feel like he and em are for each other.

    arie, i think he might be the winner. she said he reminded her of her late fiance. done deal. and she makes out with him at the rose ceremony. pretty sure her mind is made up. at least thats my opinion.

    please send ryan home asap. creeper is a-nnoying.

  14. arie is the one; he has to be. i like jef and sean but not really for emily...arie has enough edge for her but also the comfort of similar lifestyles and values. i totally agree with everything you said about everyone though...ryan, go home. everyone gains weight after they get married! eeek, what a jerk.

  15. Looooove your commentary, looking forward to next weeks. My favs are Arie & Sean.

  16. oh, where do i even begin.

    first of all jeF is my favorite, of course, but he's not right for emily. on the first show he said "i hope she's not materialistic"...and i thought to myself "huh? for reals? this is emily we're talking about. FAKE EVERYTHING. huge house, driving a caddy...i'm pretty sure she's materialistic". jeF is amazeballs and i want him to be the next bachelor.

    arie...oh, so cute. and the comment about him driving a stick shift? i spit my sangria at the T.V. i mean, really? LOL. i couldn't even handle it.

    i'm with you---those are my top 3, arie, sean and jeF. i'd be happy with any of them getting hitched to emily.
    but again with the fake teeth--i can't handle her fake teeth.

  17. oooooooooo girl!!!!!!!!! i waited to read this until i had a chance to watch the show myself, and...yep, you pretty much hit the nail on the head! and you made me laugh, a lot.

    BUT, i'm not minding ryan (he's hilariously full of himself and pretty easy on the eyes...i don't think he'll last, but he's entertaining at least.)

    and poor kalon - emily did totally talk over him, but she sure didn't like being hushed, LOL!! i think emily is beautiful, but pretty high maintenance...i'm worried for anyone who ends up with her!

  18. I feel like I need to mention to you that the building that they scaled is right down the street from my office, yo! I feel so cool.

    Charlotte is getting some pretty big gigs this year, The Hunger Games, The Bach (as you so rightfully named it) and the DNC!

    Love the new design, btw :)

  19. Can you please recap every episode now :) I look forward to it each time. I couldn't read this post until I saw the episode and as soon as I watched it I came here. :) So funny. Totally agreeing with you on like every point.
    Brazilian guy made me made
    love arie, sean and Jef. :)
    I'll keep coming back :)

  20. ok i had to wait to read this until i watched mondays episode. no time. arghhh. hello summer!!! ahhh much better!

    ari is my number one. it could be because if i had another son his name would be arie. but seriously i love him he's so sweet, and handsome. oh so handsome.

    i'm not feeling sean. like at.all. i don't think i liked that he took his shirt of so the ladies could gawk. their gawking was gross.

    i am with you on the 3 that should go home. however i am glad it was ultimately stevie. he stirred the pot like a little witch. "double double toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble." speaking of which maybe stevie you need to go home and read some shakespear.

    tonight if she doesn't kick kalon and ryan to the curb i will be so disappointed.

    i love your bach posts. ha!