Monday, April 16

21+ reasons you shouldn't take your 7 week old baby to a wedding

let me set the scene for you:

had just finished six days of jillian michael's thirty day shred. had eaten no junk. five small healthy meals a day for six days. i was not calorie counting…let's be serious. but still. 

got on the scale and it didn't move.

eat one of the boys chocolate easter bunnies in anger.

(it was hollow at least.)

time to get ready for my dear friend's wedding. 

getting dressed for a wedding seven weeks postpartum is a BLAST. can someone say spanx? and that the hose i bought might have been a little too tight and were constantly rolling down causing me to hoit them up? and that nothing else fits except the same outfit to that i wore last week on easter?

say it, people! loud and clear.

caleb and i decided it would be best to bring story along to the wedding with us. 

she takes a bottle but isn't always so great at finishing it… 
so we i thought what the heck? why not bring her?

we should have taken this (see below) as an i don't want to go to a wedding! warning while getting ready:


what are babies supposed to wear to a wedding? the thought of putting her a poofy dress or stockings makes me itch. ruffly sweater it is! also take note that the headband is slightly big and was continually laying across her eyes, like a mask, all night. people kept saying, um. her headband... to which i replied, i know. it's my attempt to make her look girly. i can't help that fact that it won't stay put.

friends from high school and youth group also frequently said, how many kids do you HAVE?! and what did you say her name was?


but let me not get ahead of myself because the excitement started much sooner than we arrived. can't find the address on the invitation and we are already driving. texting my friend to find it out, she can't find it. point out that we are on E and ask my husband just drive and get gas... he drives in the completely opposite direction that i would ever drive in to get gas. cue me saying i just don't understand why you would drive in this direction 46 times. call my mom and finally get the directions, cue me saying we are going to miss the ceremony, i just know it 32 times.

finally heading in the right direction and BOOM.

rear ended.

as i am saying, OH NO SHE (AND HER HEART SHAPED SUNGLASSES) DIDN'T. my husband, the grace giver (one of the many reasons i married you, babe), says she was really sorry and about to cry. there was no damage… let's be on our way. i say, in my finest moment, i would cry if i hit a mini van too. my neck hurts.

keep on pluggin' away.

arrive at the ceremony with not a minute to spare. rush in, sit in back.

the second the bride is about to walk down the aisle, story starts up. whining, crying and will.not.stop. not even when i stick my finger in her mouth. which probably had hair spray on it. sorry about that, story girl. she never sucks on my finger or a pacifier, it was just a last attempt. i look at caleb and can feel the blood rushing to my head. eyes bulging, clenched teeth. TAKE HER OUT OF HERE. i am mortified. makes it out just in time before the wailing begins.

i can still hear her faintly crying outside the doors. probably hungry again, nothing new.

switch spots with my hubby and have to walk outside past the huge windows of the church carrying my crying baby in higher heels than i should have worn. which, by the way, i only wore because my husband said they looked "baller" compared to the comfortable clodhoppers i wanted to rock. thanks, honey.

make it to the van and the two teenage boys who were directing people where to park are standing right outside of it. hello i have to nurse my child and it is hot out and i forgot the keys/diaper bag/anything in the church.

PTL that the van is unlocked and i proceed to attempt to nurse story without any airflow in a scorching vehicle and i start to break out in hives.

hyperventilating.

parched.

can.not.breathe.

i'm opening the door, watch out everyone.

cover story's head, and my boob, with a pooped on changing pad cover from an explosion at jcpenney's earlier today. do not ask me why i had a changing pad cover in the car anyway cause i do not know. 

miss my lifelong friend marry the girl of his dreams.


on ward to the reception!

girlfriend does NOT sleep. does not take the bottle, which i warmed in a tea pot of boiling water and cooled in a… oh wait. i won't tell you what i cooled it in just incase anyone from my table is reading my blog. mmmkay.

the rest of the night went a little something like this: spilled breast milk on my dress, spit up on my friend's dress, story missing both her socks, blasting music not sitting well with her. and so on and so forth. you get the idea.

….

next time? babysitter.

59 comments:

  1. ummmm....i totally did this with my little one. i was IN the wedding and didn't see how i could go the whole day without nursing or pumping. let's just say that pumping in a bridesmaid dress isn't the easiest, nor is nursing. and loud music did not sit well with my little man. i think i will skip weddings altogether next time i have a small baby to tote along!

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    1. oh friend. us too. skipping seems like the best answer so often. my mantra lately has been "it's just not worth it" ha!

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  2. oh wow. this sounds like a day from somewhere ungodly. yikes. i'm sorry it was so rough, but I have to say - girl, you look hawt. You're husband was right - totally baller.

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  3. live and learn my friend. that's my motto! plus side? you both look lovely:)

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  4. Oh my, sounds like kind of a bummer...but it makes for an entertaining blog post! ;) Sorry it was rough for you, friend. Story is pretty darn cute with that headband, though!

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  5. bless you! what an experience! =/

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  6. DYING. Welp, that was my ab workout for the day! Thanks for the laugh ;) btw...you looked gorgeous during all of this!!!

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    1. i am so off track it isn't even funny. and i owe you an email.

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  7. oh my word im sorry! The accident was the cherry on top of it all. I think a babysitter for the future would be good but you know what they say live and learn! Sorry you had to learn that way though :/

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  8. yessssssss! sounds so fun. NOT. this is the life of babies. LOL

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    1. the life of babies makes me cry. also, i wish you did a blog post about your haircut. can you do one, please? thanks.

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  9. If you write a book, I will buy it! :) Love this story. Sorry it was a hot mess, but I loved it. I so wish we lived closer and could be friends and have coffee and laugh about these things in person. Happy Monday!

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    1. you are so sweet. and i would love that too!!

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  10. You are beautiful and I love ya! Thanks for the laughs to get my day started!

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  11. ahhhhhh, what a night. memory-maker:-) we have a bunch of weddings this summer....fingers crossed! xoxo

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  12. ha! this is awesome. Glad to know I am not alone in my (many) never-ending moments like this one. Thanks for sharing. Needed a good laugh this morning.

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    1. no worries, i can laugh it off, i would probably be in massive depression if this was with my first. but by the time the third comes around i have gotten quite the laugh when it comes to things of this nature ;)

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  14. Somehow I feel like this could be how miles would act also? Minus the nursing.

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    1. ha. my boys would have been even worse i am sure.

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  15. so funny:). sometimes i think i'm the only one that doesn't have tiny babies who sleep through everything!

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  16. well you looked better 7 weeks post partum than i do on a regular basis. and if it's any consolation, i had the same experience. high heels and all.

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    1. glad we're not alone in this, glad we're not alone ;)

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  17. oh man... i don't have kids, but this story... you just told it so well, i *almost* felt like i knew where you were coming from. :) here's to laughing at the less-than-lovely life offers us... and for sharing in the moments together.

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  18. You look awesome! And this made me laugh so hard!

    This is a great reminder to not take a tiny baby to any major event/party (trying to remember this in a few months when I have my daughter!)

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    1. you may be able to pull it off way better than me ; )

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    2. Girl I doubt that! But I know I'll think "hey this should be easy" then telling a similar story of b-feeding in a hot car too! ha! Live and learn right? At least you had some fun :)

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  19. at least it made a good blog post, right? riiiight. so sorry about that. but you tell it well. :)

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  20. duuude, can't stop laughing. I had alread read this but after you emailed about losing your phone too!!! I had to re-read. Tears. so see I technically cried with you, not laughed at you. Such a great post. Thanks for a;ways keeping' it real yo'. Love you!And you looked beautiful and story looked adorns in that headband. At least in the shots it was up and she looked press!!!

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    1. glad we can laugh and cry together ;) love you!

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  21. i can relate on one billion levels.
    and here we are thinking of having a third.
    oh dear.
    you are funny.
    i'm proud of you for working out. i don't really know how to do that anymore.

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  22. Awwww! I don't have kids YET (but in near future I hope), so this was kinda freakin hilarious to read:) You rock, sorry about that but it does make a funny story:)

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  23. I am laughing WITH you girlfriend...
    did this with a 4 week old to a wedding almost 3 hours away (drove there, went to the wedding and back all in one day- STUPID)
    and just at the perfect time...a quiet church...he has a pooplosion through his diaper with a loud, loud sound.
    The scene in the car sounds exactly like me...saying it 32 times over and over to my husband. xoxo

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    1. oh dear for the pooplosion! that is the worst although probably not as loud as her hollerin ;)

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  24. Oh man, I was laughing out here in the living room by myself while reading this! Sounds miserable, but so entertaining. Ask yourself, was it worth the blog post? lol!

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  25. wow! cannot believe on top of everything, you were rear-ended! i love that Caleb talked you into wearing "baller" shoes, Aaron would do the same :) You looked so beautiful!

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  26. a comedy of errors. sorry my friend. but poor Story. yes, you should have left her with a sitter. ;) live and learn! and hahahaha! you know i had to laugh! especially about the pantyhose!

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  27. Best pictures. You are the cutest. The funniest. The bestest. Love you! Love how you make me laugh. And how you tell a tale of frustration that still can make this girl smile. xo

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  28. wow. i was literally glued to my screen reading this. thought that there MAY have been a happy ending of some sort hahaha next time

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  29. It will be SO AWESOME for you to tell Story all about this when she grows up. Aren't you glad it will be funny soon?

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  30. yes…i'm already cracking up about it ;)

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