me and my girl. just chillin. same clothes, different day. you know the drill.
*i wrote this post a week before i had story, but never got around to publishing it. i'm publishing it today with a smile on my face. i looked at it, read the words, and rejoiced for what is, fully aware of what could have been. today i feel better than i did after both of my other pregnancies. today i am enjoying all three of my babies and not feeling sad, depressed, or not all there. today i am feeling tired, but oh so blessed to feel the way i do, knowing it could be so much different. i'm thanking the Lord for this transition time.*
i went to my thirty eight week check up this morning. most of me wanted to ask my midwife to check me, tell me i was dilated to three centimeters already and that i'd be meeting my daughter very soon. i felt a tinge of disappointment when i called my husband to tell him that i'm not progressed enough to get anything started.
but then, just like that, i felt a great sense of it's not time yet. as much as i want to have my baby girl in my arms; to see her, hold her, kiss her, and become a family of five. part of me isn't ready for it yet. a big part of me, the selfish part, isn't ready to bring home a newborn baby just yet. i'm not ready for recovery, or nursing, or adjusting my boys to having their little sister home.
there are moments want it so bad i can taste it. and then, when i think on it long enough, i am so content to be pregnant another week or two. aches and pains and leg cramps and all.
the bitter that follows the sweet is having this pregnancy be over with. i'll miss the kicks, the feeling of having her growing inside of me… there is nothing in the world quite like it. and even though she will be in my arms, i won't have that anticipation of when is going to arrive? will she be healthy? what will she look like? how big will she be? and truth be told, i'll miss the anticipation, the unknown, the waiting.
our questions will be answered and life will go on. she will just be. that chapter will be over and that is something i have to work on letting go of. it's a problem i have... waiting for the next big thing. and when that big thing is over, wondering what the next great thing will be. how will it look, and what i can do to make it happen sooner, and when that happens, so does the fall. the feelings of ending and sadness can easily overcome me, especially when postpartum hormones are involved, rather than the simple joys for the day in and day out.
but that, my friends, is where my precious Jesus comes in. instead of me waiting, hoping, and wishing, He gently pushes me back to the place where my heart belongs. He opens my eyes to His blessings unfolding all around me every day. And that anxious part of me? That part of me that will continually come up empty when looking to be satisfied by worldly things and worldly events? He fills it up with Himself, His love, and His grace alone. He whispers to me that only in His timing will His plans for my life unfold, and for that I am ever thankful.