it's still up, you know. i am looking at it right now. it's a bright, cold day. tonight we will celebrate my sweet husband's 27th birthday. foster is napping in what will be his baby sister's room in just a couple months. brody isn't napping, but having rest time, of course. i can hear him singing from where i lay right here.
the small electric heater is humming and i love it's warmth. i love to close my eyes and pretend it's a crackling fire place. that's the one thing our little house is missing, a fire place. the giants game is on low, as to not disrupt nap time. and as caleb watches them lose another game, all i can do is think about how i will miss the decorations and tree, so soon. too soon. christmas is just six days away you know.
last year i was excited to get everything taken down and put away. i was excited to not have to sweep up the endless amount of little needles that fell onto the living room floor. to get things back to rights, tidy up, box up, and put it in the basement. why is that? how is it i felt like that just 365 days ago and now, this year, i am aching for it last a little bit longer, when it's not even over yet.
it's the happy medium that i desire and am working towards.
the constant, reoccurring theme of this past year, for me, has been to be present in this very day. to have a savoring of each day, each moment. no rushing, no wishing. just living. it's a heart thing for me. where was my heart last year? and where is it this year? i remember last year, blinking back tears in the christmas eve service, while standing there with my children, husband, and parents. we were singing my favorite christmas song of all. "mild He lays His glory by, born that man no more may die, born to raise the sons of earth, born to give them second birth, hark the herald angels sing, glory to the newborn king!" and i will be doing that same thing tomorrow night, and i wouldn't have it any other way.
last year i had no idea i would be carrying this child, and that i would be two short months away from meeting my daughter. i didn't know where we would be at in the adoption process, if in it at all. i didn't know many things that i know now. and isn't that the beauty of this life, that it unfolds in His perfect timing. that he looks at my messy, far from perfect life and calls it beautiful, and calls me His child.
so, this christmas, instead of waiting for the little things, like that package to arrive, or the big things, like still waiting to know when our family will grow through adoption, i will be content in the place that the Lord has me. for He can teach me so many things in this place of inbetween. and instead of thinking of every little thing that needs to be done, like wiping off the bathroom sink, or every big thing that needs to be done, like giving birth to this baby, i will treasure the moment and not let it slip away.
and, this christmas, that is what i wish for you, too.
merry christmas to you and yours, my friends.